My name is Keith W, and I have chosen to be apart of the Neothink Society for a little over 2 and a half years. The beginning of my journey to self discovery that I’ve traveled over these amazing few years is what I’m going to share with all of you here today. To attempt to describe the loving bonds of friendship that are now apart of my everyday life, and the focus on my future and what I can do about it. Also the changes that took place in me, and in my life that have opened my eye’s to who I was meant to be and what I was meant to do.
We all search, deep down, under all the heart aches and stresses of everyday life, we all share a common “WANT”, a common “NEED” to change our lives for the better. To experience a more fulfilling life, a future full of happiness. Some of you here today, may harbor feelings like, “there is no way out, no foreseeable destiny to the grim future of our race… So what’s the point?” I am here today as living proof that there is another choice then giving up.
I’m going to take this opportunity to turn back the clock. Back to when I first started my journey of self discovery. Back to a time when I first started my spiral downwards, and travel into the depths of my memories. To tell the story of how I arrived to be where I am, and who I am today.
My life was filled with feelings of inadequacies and heart breaks, like a weight had been placed on my shoulders causing aches and pains to fill my body… This presser was holding me back from breathing and even thinking. The tragedy was I had no way to identify the causes. I had no way to heal myself because I didn’t know what was wrong…
My awareness of the world around me was extremely limited and expanding at a snails pace. This was all perfectly fine by my standards, because I knew nothing else. I grew up under a common belief that if I loved the people around me, I should sacrifice whatever they needed to help them. The more extreme the sacrifice, the more I appeared to love them. But unknown to me at the time, there was one person I was ignoring. That meant more to me then I could possibly imagine at that time, and I was killing that person day and night…
As I grew up there was this feeling that followed me everywhere, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t understand this pain in my heart, and these oppressed feelings of loneliness… I felt ignored, my words, my emotions, and my desire for a destiny. Like the living dead wondering the earth searching for meaning. But, miracles do happen, and what I’m about to describe next is the honest story of my rebirth and the self discoveries that follow.
My story begins three years ago when I moved to Portland, OR to assist my cousin. Who was going through a rough time in her life and also to basically experience more freedom and independence. Secretly drawn away from my self destructive, never ending cycles of feeling enslaved to the routines and chores my family had worked into my life style. Not to mention I knew nothing else.
On a personal note, my cousin had recently lost her mother. Her mother was that special soul in her life that she could talk to and when that connection was lost forever it devastated her emotionally… I felt a strong urge to comfort and support her, and also a chance to do something meaningful.
I decided to leap into the situation. Shortly after I found myself saying my goodbyes to my family with a few belongs packed in a suitcase. At this point I felt my first real taste of freedom rush through my body as I stepped onto a greyhound bus that was caring me to a new home in Vancouver WA.
The first month and a half were among the hardest days of my life… I was in a completely new environment and no one to really support me. I had no money to speak of. I spent my days trying desperately to find a job. I would walk all day searching for any business that would hire me and spend my nights filling them out. I roughly collected 90 applications in a five mile radius around my cousin’s home over the course of a month and a half… But the grim circumstances of my situation were starting to pile up…
No matter what I did, I just couldn’t find a JOB! And this depressing feeling started to suck the health and motivation right out of me. Honestly hearing “NO”, or “We are not hiring at the moment, but you are welcome to fill out an application” daily, was starting to affect me both mentally and physically… I started to get sick and depressed and I felt like I could do nothing about my life!
I awoke one morning and just lay in bed starring at the ceiling. As I was lying in bed I began to think about how sick I felt. My cousin knocked at my door. She asked me, “Want to go with me over to Jantzen beach and look for a job?”, I started to say how sick I felt then something came over me, a rush of energy went through me and I spoke the words, “F this, if I don’t go look for a job I wont get one!” in my mind.
All of a sudden I was filled with new energy as I stood up. I happily got ready and felt something come over me. Like I understood that this is life, giving up gets me nowhere. As we drove to Jantzen beach I felt the first genuine smile I’d expressed since I arrived in Oregon come over me as I looked at my cousin.
After we parked I exited the car with a banana in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. I looked at my cousin and said, “Wish me luck” with a rather sarcastic expression on my face as I walked away giggling.
I found myself walking into a bar. I remember walking up to the bartender with a smile on my face and asked, “are you hiring?” She politely asked for my ID which I had removed prior to her asking and handed it to her.
She then directed me to the kitchen and said, “If we are hiring John would know”. I thanked her and proceeded to the back. As I approached the kitchen area I was confronted by a young woman and an older gentleman sharing in a conversation.
I walked up to them and naturally waited for a break in there conversation. The older man turned to me and said, “How can I help you?” With a smile on my face I said, “I’m looking for a job, are you hiring?” Suddenly, both of them broke into laughter. I must have had a puzzled look on my face as I stood there wondering what they were laughing about.
What seemed like 10 minutes later, I managed to say, “What’s so funny?” John managed to catch his breath and said, “She just quit 30 seconds before you walked in, it must have been meant for you to get the job!” Then all three of us broke into a child like laughter.
I started work two days after, and immediately fell in love with everyone around me. But, I had no friends to speak of and I wanted to be accepted. So, I tried to “Fit in”. I started doing what everyone else did for fun. But working at a bar it isn’t to difficult to imagine what can go wrong. I started up quite a few self destructive habits. I would socialize by drinking and smoking daily. I was spending an average of 1,100 dollars a month!
I was literally investing in killing myself to be accepted by everyone else and to have a good time. I kept these routines for roughly 8 months. My health would fluctuate almost weekly. I would get sick with a common “Bar cold” and instead of taking care of myself I would just gut through it. I felt cared about because people were depending on me and I couldn’t let them down.
It did not seem to matter to me that I was sickly and feeling really unhealthy. What mattered were the people around me, the bills I had to pay, the friends that I would hangout with every night and my coworkers relying on me to come to work or fill in for them.
At the start of a new week I felt sick. I assumed it was the normal “bar cold” that was always going around. So like every other time I got sick I just gutted through it. I had a slight head ache and a sore throat. It wasn’t too difficult to get through the day. But I didn’t feel like eating food. Instead I smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol.
The 2nd day I awoke in a little worse of a condition. But at that point I was accustomed to working while sick and didn’t give it much thought. My neck and the back of my mouth were very sore. I would walk to work everyday because I didn’t like paying for a day pass everyday just to get to work(was about 5 miles, took about an hour to get there).
The 3rd day I felt even worse. I couldn’t swallow very well and it was painful to smoke or eat anything. I had no savings to speak of so I couldn’t go to the doctor. So, again I gutted it out and worked the whole day. I managed to get by sucking on cough drops and distracting myself from the pain by focusing on work.
On the 4th day things got really bad for me. I was constantly salivating and I had to spit all the time. It was so painful to swallow my own saliva. I hadn’t eaten anything for 2 days at this point and I was starting to feel real weakened. But, I still went to work, still gutted it out and still didn’t think about going to the doctors to get my conditioned looked diagnosed. I told no one really that I was in pain or that I was sick because I didn’t want to let anyone down. They depended on me and who was I to say no? This was what went threw my head.
Now the 5th day was really a mess for me. It was a challenge just to sleep. I didn’t get much sleep at all the last few days because of the constant salivating and pain in the back of my throat. I even had a spit bowl next to my bed. I lay in my bed trying to relax. I would maybe fall asleep for 10 minutes at a time in between the pain of swallowing or needing to spit. I went to work that day and have no idea how I managed to gut it out. I was pulling from all my reserve energy. And at that point I hadn’t eaten anything for 3 or 4 days.
The 6th day was a nightmare. It was a challenge just to stand. I forced myself out of bed after a restless night of tossing and turning. Just taking a shower was draining. I made it to work somehow, and believe it or not only one person noticed my condition. It was an elder lady, one of my favorite costumers. She looked at me and said, “Wow… Your face, it looks like its melting… Are you OK?” The only reply I could manage to express was “I’ve been better…” and faked a smile…
Physically, I had lost about 35 pounds at this point. When healthy I weighed 150 pounds at the time and as you can imagine that was most of who I was. My skin was pale and my body had used practically all of its stored energy. My eyes were sinking into my skull. My face looked like a skeleton. And just lifting my arm was like trying to pick up a TV. I left work when I was done and said I’m sorry to my bar tender for not being able to help her close tonight. I basically went home and crashed.
I remember waking up on the 7th day. I looked at the clock and realized I needed to hurry to get to work. I laid there for a minute. I then “gave” my body the command to move. Nothing happened. I couldn’t move an inch. The blanket that was on top of me felt like it weighed 500 hundred pounds. The only thing I could move was my head in my pillow. I had given everything I had to give and now my body just didn’t have anything left. Tears began to roll down my cheeks as I moved my head from side to side…
Even now I can remember how helpless I felt as I started to think about how weak I had become. I literally couldn’t move or call for help. I was completely alone. I started to have thoughts like, “I can just give up”, “I gave it everything I had…”, and “is this how I want to be remembered?” as my mind started to think about everything the tears were rolling down my cheeks… Then a feeling of being completely defeated wrapped around my heart and mind. I remember thinking… “I can just stop breathing and it will all be over…” And to tell you the truth I literally felt so weak all I had to do was give up on my next breath and it would all be over… I felt like I reached the end of the road and gave everything I was away for a pay check and a little approval for my effort…
The next thing that happened to me I can only express as the greatest, most influential moment of my life. My greatest epiphany, the deepest in sign into myself up to that date. I literally started to remember “EVERYTHING” that I had experienced in my life up to that moment in my life. From start to finish. Ever movie I had ever watched, ever piece of music I had ever listened to, every person I had ever interacted with, everything from start to finish went through my mind. My life leading to that point was now laid out before my mind…
I suddenly realized both logically and emotionally, that I was killing myself and I didn’t care. I “knew” it but there was no connection. I did not care enough to realize I had the ability to say “no”. An overwhelming feeling of understanding took hold of me and I didn’t realize it but I was able to move, I sat up in my bed and put my head in my hands and cried my eyes out for 15 minutes, for one reason. “ME” for the first time in as long as I could remember, I cried for myself. I sobbed and cried into my hands none stop. I let it all out, everything I held inside came pouring out of me… I had never experienced anything, ANYTHING like that and it is the most amazing most wonderful gift to realize. I felt everything come into focus as I let it all out.
I remember after sobbing for quite some time I easily stood up. Tilted my head back and said out loud, “I’m glad I got that out of my system!” As I started to laugh uncontrollably. I had gained something more valuable then anything I could have been given. I found myself. I remember going into the bathroom and laughing at myself at how my body looked. In one word I felt “REBORN”.
This was the turning point in my life. Everything changed for me, my awareness started to expand in all directions. Good things started to come into my life as I grew more and more determined. Then approximately 3 weeks later I received a letter. It was my personal invitation into the Neothink Society I had reacted by almost falling flat on my back. Here I was staring my destiny in the face. My chance to become more then I had been, and it felt like I pulled it into my life! Here I was being told that I poses hidden talents that will propel me into the highest ranking geniuses in the world. That I had what they wanted. That I’m worthy of the secrets to unlocking the Pandora’s Box to power, love, success, happiness and companionship.
The thing that really grabbed at me was when they said, “It’s already inside of you, and we can help you bring it out for the entire world to see!” I started to laugh and jump for joy because I knew this was no joke or a hoax to get my money. You can not write these kinds of words when the base is dishonesty. It all made sense back then and now I am living proof that it all makes sense today. The feelings that well up inside of me can never be stopped. The control I have over my life can never be taken away from me and the knowledge that is now backing me is unstoppable! I can look to my future in confidence and security. Because I know where I am going and how I’m going to get there.
-By: Keith W
I need my personal mentor. The individual that can help me remember myself and to be one of the choosen few. I am ready to be relieved of mysticism and self destruction and to build values for others. I look forward to speaking with you. James. C Rice. Salem. OR 97305 10-1-12 3:11 pm…